Wishcasting Wednesday 1.5.11

Today's question from Jamie is

What do you wish to say yes to?

I wish to say yes to myself.  To my needs and desires and dreams.

I spent several years in survival mode.  There were car accidents, and sick parents and siblings, funerals, a friend becoming paralyzed, a friend getting divorced, working way too much to try to survive financially, so much crisis.  When things settled down, it took me quite a while to realize "it's okay now" -- to even think about the possibility of trying to remember what normal felt like.

Much of 2010 was about processing the "it's okay now" of it all.  About imagining a path back to liking my life.  About trying to remember the last time things were going smoothly and how on earth I had made that happen.

For a long time, I felt completely crazy for believing that those times of crisis had literally changed my brain, but since I've learned a couple of things about neural pathways, I'm thinking that I was absolutely right.  Research on the possibility of undoing the damage is in progress.

I need to take this year and focus on healing and getting my life back.  That's what I need, and I'm saying yes to it.

New Year's Eve? Really?

This is an odd, odd time of the year.  Or at least it is for me.  So much pressure.  We've barely recovered from the trauma that is Pretty Tree Day -- the rushing, the shopping, the wrapping, the travel, and of course the crazy relatives -- and we're expected to figure out what we need to do to become perfect.  Starting at midnight.  And what if we forget to be perfect next Tuesday?  Well that's it.  Whole year down the drain.  Better luck in 2012.


I'm sorry, but I'm bowing out.


Not of having things that I want to accomplish next year, because there are a lot of them.  But I'm done being mean to myself.  I'm done with the idea that I have to do something every single day for the next 365 days to be able to call it a success.  So if I forget to moisturize next Tuesday, I'll just do it on Wednesday (or Thursday, lol), and forgive myself and move on and end the year with nicer skin than I have here at the beginning.


And if there are some things I don't get started on right away, that's okay too.  If some things on my list turn out to be lovely thoughts that absolutely refuse to be wedged into my actual life?  I'm going to let them go, at least for now.  Maybe I'll try again another time when my life is different.  


In short, I'm aiming for progress not perfection.  I'm aiming for gentle, flexible progress -- not the kind that gets you to your goal but you're crazed the whole time and exhausted and cranky when you finally get there.


Remind me of this when I forget, will you?


I wish you the 2011 that your heart most deeply desires.
 

Wishcasting Wednesday 12.29.10

Wow.  It seems like it has been forever since I've done Wishcasting Wednesday, but, as Charlie's mom notes in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, sometimes when adults say "forever" they mean a very, very long time.

Nevertheless, it is Wednesday and today the prompt is

What do you wish for the New Year?

It's probably breaking some Big Important Rule of the Universe to follow a kids' movie quote with a Godsmack quote, but I'm gonna do it anyway.  "I need Serenity"

That's my wish for the New Year.  Of course I have about a thousand and one things I'd love to accomplish in 2011.  But my deep need, and therefore my wish, is for serenity.

What do YOU wish for the New Year?

About the Book of Taryn

It seems that every time I mention my Book of Me on Twitter, at least two or three people ask what on earth it is.  Generally, I just refer them to this post at The Fluent Self, but today it occurred to me to ask @LaVonneEllis if she wanted the link or wanted to hear more about my personal Book of Me.  She wanted to hear about mine. Soooooo....  for LaVonne and everyone else who has wondered about it, here is a description:

The Book of Taryn is my guidebook to the proper care and feeding of the best version of myself.  It is a book of reminders of the things that I learn about myself (because I can't count the number of times I've forgotten that when I feel really, really run down, the only thing that helps is B12).

It's just a little baby book of me at the moment, but eventually I'll have an amazing resource that I sincerely hope I'll remember to read.

The front section of the bright pink Moleskine is for general information (like the aforementioned tidbit about the B12).  Then in the back, I've used sticky tabs to make sections for special lists.  Yes, bright pink.  Because I'm really gothy.  Except for all the pink stuff.

First, the Dammit List.  (You can read the posts that inspired this here and here.) This includes my non-negotiables. These are either so essential to who I am that I couldn't change them even for witness protection or so necessary for my health and happiness that I've drawn a line in the sand.  It has entries like:

•  "Family gatherings require stompy boots.  And extra eyeliner.  Always.  Dammit."  
•  "Yes, 95% of my clothes are black, and bats the way I like it.  Dammit."
•  "No, as a matter of fact I don't have any 'normal' socks, and I wouldn't like any for my birthday, thank you very much."

Next is what was originally titled the Big Girl Panties list.  It has recently been renamed the Serenity List (as in "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change") because I realized that the former title reminded me too much of something my mother would say and therefore made me grumpy.  It obviously contains notes about things that are not within my power to change, like the fact that my mother is the Queen of the Guilt Trip and an aunt is the head Drama Queen.  They are 75 and 85.  I see no legitimate possibility that they might change, and even if they do, it isn't something that I can make happen.

The List of Lies recently got its first entry.  I knew I needed one, but Lies can be tough to recognize because, well, it's stuff I believe.  Thanks again to @NaturalWrite and @AEIGratitude for helping me realize that my uncoolness was a Lie.  Each entry in this section includes the Lie, who sez, and the evidence for the defense (in this case, evidence that I am in fact reasonably cool).

I have a tab made for a Purple Kangaroo List, but haven't worked on it yet.  You can read about purple kangaroos here on the Owning Pink site.

And now that I think about it, I need a soundtrack section and a space for quotes and mottos (like "Redheads.  Totally worth the challenge!")

So that's my Book of Me.  Questions?

Better Living through Twitter

Wait, what?

Ok, I'll understand if you look at the title of this post, decide that I'm bat shit crazy, and leave.  But I hope you won't until you've read the very cool story of how Twitter changed two lives last night.

It all started very innocently.  I checked my followers list for people to follow back.  I noticed Twitter's 'Similar to You" list and took a look.  Surprised by the fabulous company they placed me in, I tweeted "Just checked out my "similar to you" list. Wow. Twitter thinks I'm way cooler than I really am!"  

@NaturalWrite promptly replied that I had it all backwards -- That Twitter knows I'm cooler than I think I am.  And then @AEIGratitude tweeted that she was calling Bullshit on the idea that I'm not cool.  These are people whose opinions I've come to value.  

So, for some reason, rather than following my normal MO of dismissing compliments with the thought, “oh, they're just being nice,” I looked around at my life. Ok, I don't have it all together yet. But in October, I bought a black glittery skeleton and dressed her in a tutu and a little fur jacket. I've learned to put beads in my hair. I know a thing or three about feng shui. Objectively, I think I have to say that I'm not completely UNcool.

And then I realized – it was the mean kids. You know the ones. The kids in school who say that you're ugly and your mom dresses you funny. They were still there. Mumble mumble years after Junior High, their voices were still in my head, convincing me that I'm a loser.

And that really pissed me off. How dare they live in my head, rent free, for mumble mumble years, poisoning my thoughts?

So I evicted them!

And I feel sooo much better!

Even more spectacular, @AEIGratitude decided that some voices in her head needed to go too.  So she fired them!

Is there a voice in YOUR head that needs an eviction notice (or a pink slip)?

Kick 'em out!

And I'd love to hear about it in the comments.

Wonder

Reverb 10 -- Four posts down, twenty-seven to go.

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)


Hmmm....I don't think I did a very good job with that this year.  


*consults dictionary to try and get some ideas going*
n.
1.  a person, thing, or event causing astonishment and admiration; marvel
2. the feeling aroused by something strange, unexpected, etc.
vi.
1.  to be filled with wonder; marvel
2. to have curiosity, sometimes mingled with doubt
vt.
to have curiosity or doubt about


I marveled at the beauty of several natural places this year -- the big cat rescue in Eureka, the trees and the wolf rescue in Olympia, the Old Mill


Strange, unexpected, curiosity mingled with doubt -- that pretty much describes my experience of the Crescent.  


I can't really say any of that was deliberate cultivation though, and I'm not sure I have a clear idea of how one would cultivate wonder.  Maybe some of the other reverb10 entries have good ideas.....

Moment

Day Three.  So far so good.

Today's prompt however seems to credit me with a better memory than I actually have.

December 3 – Moment.

Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

(Author: Ali Edwards)

The highlight of my year was a trip we took to Olympia, Washington in August.  I came back to life there.  I've been chasing that feeling ever since.

Maybe it was the ocean air.  Or the perfect weather.  Or being hours away from all responsibility.  Maybe it was the complete lack of any agenda.  Whatever it was, the trip was a magical experience. 

That's when I felt most alive this year.

Writing

Wherein Reverb 10 continues....

December 2 Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
(Author: Leo Babauta)


Ok, truthfully?  Most of my day very, very effectively gets in the way of my writing. A usable answer to this question would require a time log.  And I'm not sure a time log done anytime in the month of December would be "normal" enough to help any.


Hmmm.....Is it true that I would have to record every second to get the right information?  Is it true that December is so radically abnormal that even attempting to answer this question would be an exercise in futility?  Or is this the work of Distraction Monster, It's Too Hard Monster, and You Don't Have Time Monster?


I suspect the latter.


Possible workarounds?


Work first on reducing known timesucks:  too much television, too much Facebook, too much Twitter, too many email lists that I don't read that just make finding the email I want harder, random unproductive Internet surfing, recreational shopping, etc.


There are only three shows a week that I absolutely demand that I get to keep.  Big Bang Theory, NCIS, and NCIS Los Angeles.  Everything else, I can either skip entirely, or just have it on while I do other stuff.


Facebook -- Probably need to weed out some of the stuff I follow.  My newsfeed has gotten overwhelming.  


Twitter -- Turn off the beeps.  Or just log out of TweetDeck entirely when I'm working.  Definitely stop leaving it up all day.  Ditto for the Facebook and the email.


Email -- Oh the email!  First, I have too many email addys.  Need to figure out what to do about that.   I'm also subscribed to way too many lists that I don't read.  Including a couple that have good information but I should delete them anyway because the gloom and doom approach rarely fails to stress me out.  It just isn't worth it anymore. (if you know of a POSITIVE source of feng shui information, please let me know in the comments!)


Random surfing -- Hmmmm....this one will be a real pickle because so much of what I read could be termed research for my Thing.  Maybe I could make a deal with myself to pick a particular number of articles a day that look the most helpful and actually really process and take notes and ID action items.  


Recreational shopping -- Stopping this would save time AND money.  Keep a running shopping list.  Try to do necessary errands during the week and start writing on Saturday mornings.


Make some fun reminders for all of the above.


Okay, all of that SOUNDS doable enough.  We'll see.

One Word

Hmmm.... It's been a minute.  Again.  Oops.  Maybe I'll get this blogging thing down eventually.

In a moment of uncharacteristic optimism, I signed up for #reverb10.  Their tag line is "reflect on this year & manifest what's next" which seemed like a productive thing to do.  So here we are....  The deal is, there will be a prompt every day this month, and we're supposed to write about it.  Today's prompt is:

December 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)


Gah!  So much trouble choosing a word.  My first thought when I read the prompt early this morning was "incubation" for 2010 and "flowering" for 2011.  Through the day, other choices came to mind.  Cocoon and butterfly.  Percolate and, well, I don't actually remember what went with that one.  Blah, blah, blah.  Point of all of them being that 2010 has been a year in which I tossed a great many dreams into the crockpot of my brain, and I'm really really hoping that something yummy emerges from all of it in 2011.  


For the sake of having them go nicely together, I think I'll go with cocoon and butterfly.  Side bennie -- I was given a pair of butterfly earrings a few months ago.  I've never worn them because really, dragonflies are my insects.  Now I have a positive association for them.


Day one, mission accomplished.  30 more to go.


What are your words?

Seeking the Wolf

(this blog post best viewed while listening to Of Wolf and Man from Metallica Black)

Shapeshiiiiiift!

I've had this song on repeat in my car for three days now.  This is unusual.  (Not the song-on repeat-for-days part.  The part where it is this song.  Usually if something from Metallica Black is on repeat, I'm off to Never Never Land with Enter Sandman.) On my way home today, I realized why.

I'm seeking the wolf.

While we were in Olympia, we toured Wolf Haven, a fabulous facility that provides care for captive-born wolves after people who thought it would be cool to have one for a pet realize they are in WAAAAY over their heads.

Our tour guide explained that it's not that it's really really hard to tame and train a wolf.  It's that it can't be done.  They get to be three-ish, and it's time to challenge the pack leader, and they just do what they were born to do, and the person is all surprised and asking, "Why did he turn on me?"

And that's the part of myself that I'm looking for.  The part that kindergarten and first grade and learning to raise my hand and color inside the lines could not tame and and could not train.

This is the part of me that married the man I was crazy in love with instead of taking my mother's advice and marrying for money.  This is the part of me that walked into the English Department of my university and changed my major from something much more practical to something that was more me.  This is the part of me that donated all my pastel colored clothing and threw out all my beige eyeshadow.  This is the part of me that saw my first pair of stompy boots and had to have them.

I know she is in there.  And I desperately need to speak with her.  I need her to tell me what I was born to do.  There is a pack leader I need to challenge, and I need to remember how to howl and how to growl.

So here I am, nose to the wind, with Metallica on repeat.  It's later than you realize.  Shapeshift!

Nearly September? Really?

Wow how this year has flown!  I'm gearing up for a busy autumn.  Now that we are home from our super spectacular vacation to the fabulous city of Olympia, Washington, it is time to return to full-time status at Day Job.  And of course there is Halloween decorating to do!  I start as soon as the calendar strikes September!

It's my favorite holiday!

And then of course Thanksgiving and Christmas are right on Jack Skellington's heels.  Christmas means shopping.  Lots of shopping.  I always think it would be fun to make gifts and cards.  But autumn is the busiest time of year at Day Job, and I've never been organized enough to make it happen.  This year, I think I'm going to try to at least buy handmade for most people.

I'm getting two major projects going at Day Job.  They always seem Scary Monumental in the planning stages.  I always wonder how on earth I'll get everything done by deadline.  I try to take comfort in the fact that it always happens somehow-- even though it's never as perfect as I would like.  That never really helps though.  The Committee of Monsters is always there, whispering in my ear that this project is it.  This is my Waterloo, the one that will expose me for the Big Fat Fraud that I am.  Everyone will discover that I've been Beyond Incompetent this whole time, and they will point and laugh and throw things at me.  And DOOM!  DOOM!  DOOM!

It's their job.  They are very good at it.  I'm learning a lot about monsters from Havi and Selma at Fluent Self.

I notice that I'm totally rambling now, so I'll stop.

Have a sparkly day!

Wishcasting Wednesday 8.11.10

It's Wishcasting Wednesday again, and this week Jamie asks, "Where do you wish to send some love?"

This has been a hard one for me -- hence the not posting until almost 8pm.  I'm not sure why. 

I've finally come to the conclusion that it is okay to go with my first instinct on this, even at risk of this blog becoming a broken record.  See, right now, I'm just all about clearing space in my house.  I have space clearing on the brain.  This evening, LOML and I filled a hey-oooge bag with clothes to take to Goodwill.  And as we get all of the laundry caught up, I'm sure there will be more.

So my answer this week -- I wish to send love to my home, to the possessions that we truly care about (most of which need a good dusting), to our relationship (which will be more harmonious when the clutter is gone), and to the creative vision that I'm making space for.

What are you wishing for this week?

Weekly Intention 8.9.10

Oh, wow!  Will you look at the date -- all 8, 9, 10 right there in a row!  Coolness!

Anywho!  Today is Monday, and Monday is the day we do Weekly Intention at ABCcreativity!

Last week's intention of creating space for new dreams is going well albeit slowly.  Sorting through layers upon layers of "stuff" and deciding what to keep and what to release.  I have a reusable grocery bag full of books for the used bookstore.  Again.  And another little pile for Goodwill. 

One big sticking point so far has been guilt.  I have quite a few of those community cookbooks -- you know the ones -- everyone at church or in a club or whatever contributes recipes and they have it published and sell them as a fundraiser.  I don't use them.  I don't love them.  The only one I actually want to keep I want to keep not because of the recipes but because it was my grandmother's.  But they were gifts from my mom.  What I would like to do is send them off to work with LOML as a gift for his co-worker who collects cookbooks.  So far, mother's voice is in my head, guilting me into keeping them.

So, my intention for this week is Releasing.  Releasing more stuff, releasing inappropriate emotions, releasing.

Pics from Zen Thursday

I said I would take my camera to Day Job to get some pics of my newly happy desk.  And here they are.

This is the top of the filing cabinet to the left of the desk.  Under the fabric, that's the ugliest lamp in the history of the universe, but with the "modifications" I get tons of compliments on it.

Here is the desk itself.  It looks like I have no space left to work, but the desk is pretty deep, and my arms are short.  If I weren't using the space as living quarters for my assistants, I'd just have boring stuff like the stapler there.  That stuff can (and does) go in a drawer. 

A better view of Edgar's side of the desk.  The cup is turned funny, but it has The Scream on it, with the addition of a bright yellow thought bubble that says, "It's only a job, it's only a job, it's only a job."  A great reminder on those days when I'm losing my mind!

Edgar close up

Here is a shot of the velcro that attaches the detachable raven.  Pardon my Friday nailpolish.

Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!"

And this is LOML (love of my life) Drew.  I made the frame using instructions in Paint It Black by Voltaire.  I also made the big pink flower pushpins on the bulletin board.

 If I can figure out how to do static pages, I'll add a page that introduces my assistants.

So there is my workspace.  I'd love to see/hear how you cheer up your space.

Zen Thursday 8.5.2010

This is my first week participating in Zen Your Life at Goddess Leonie's blog.  Our mission is to get rid of everything on our desks that we don't use daily.

Now, I freely confess that my entire workspace at Day Job needs Zenning, but the top of the desk seems a doable project -- esp. since I had to clear it off just a few weeks ago when I was issued a new laptop.  The desk at home is another matter entirely, but I'll think about that when I get home.

I also confess that I expanded the definition of "use daily" to include things that make me smile daily.  Like my stuffed Edgar Allan Poe doll!  With detachable raven!

And I was unable to move my phone off my desk because the cord isn't long enough.  Oh well.

A bit of reorganization/redecorating has made the space feel fresh, and beginning my next set of projects in a few weeks seems more doable.

Onward and upward to the rest of the space.

Wishcasting Wednesday 8.4.10

This week, Jamie asks, "What do you wish for your creativity?"

Continuing this week's theme -- I wish for my creativity to have space to flourish.

When I did my Weekly Intention on Monday, I talked about clearing space in my home for new dreams.  Yesterday, Drew and I worked on the dining room.  Now, I'm sure this confession will deeply disappoint Mark Brunetz if he ever sees it, but I have no intention of  "restoring its function as a dining room" -- sorry!

We just aren't eat-dinner-at-the-table people.  We never have been.  Ever.  And since we have no human children to teach table manners, well, so be it.  (That should go on my Dammit List -- We don't use the dining table for eating dinner, and that's okay, dammit!)

It is however a large and lovely flat surface to use for art!  When it's free of other clutter.  And it is located near a large bookshelf that could be reclaimed for art books and supplies.

*rubs hands together gleefully*  I love it when a plan comes together!

Weekly Intention 8.2.10

Squee!  I just saw on FaceBook that Andrea has added a new weekly feature to ABCcreativity -- a weekly intention.  Read about it here -- http://networkedblogs.com/6ruxT

It combines nicely with an idea that Jill Badonsky posted on her Kaizen-Muse page -- that our goals should sound FUN.

My discovery from this?  Sometimes it's all about the wording!  I need, need, need, to clean and declutter my home.  Does that sound fun?  No, clearly not.  Yet it is my goal, and it is something I want to do.  True, there is also an element of SHOULD and an element of social expectation and my mother's voice in my head saying, "This place is filthy!"  (For perspective -- my mother is a bit obsessive.  No matter how clean a room is, in her eyes, if she hasn't personally cleaned it, it's filthy.)

But I want to do it because I want space to pursue new dreams.  Right now, our home has no space for new dreams.  It is too packed with "stuff" for the energy to flow.  We have been slowly, gradually chipping away at the problem, but we have miles to go before we sleep in a clutter-free home.

Sooooo.....I present to you my Weekly Intention -- to create a vacuum so my dreams can whoosh in!

I dream of

• art space
• an organized office area for writing
• a kitchen I can easily make healthy meals in
• a living room where it is easy to exercise
• a relaxing bedroom where it is easy to get a good night's sleep
• a master bath that is a temple to Radical Self-Care  (see http://www.owningpink.com if you need the scoop!)
• a home that supports my soul

This week, it is my intention to work toward that vision.

*walks in and starts dusting*

Wow!  I knew it had been awhile, but geez the dust is kinda thick in here!

Where have I been?  Wellll.....the last of April and the beginning of May were insane at Day Job trying to finish a slew of projects before I took some time off.  Then I had several weeks of vacation.  I am working on one project now and will go full time again in a few weeks.

I feel like a lot has been happening under the surface -- not visible yet, but there and percolating. I've dipped my toes in the waters of internet writing, and I'm making time to play with my art supplies more regularly.  Contemplating an Etsy shop, and already set up an account with the pink gargoyles name.

In other Dream News, I've found a couple of easy, healthy recipes that Drew and I both like and have more in the test queue.

We have plane tickets for that "real vacation" for next month -- Washington State!  Woo Hoo!

I made a FaceBook profile for my pen name, and my online support system for my dreams is growing. (Now I just have to figure out how to link it up with the blog here!)

I'm taking more pictures (and would take more if I had a camera small enough to carry with me more -- need to watch for a really good sale!).

That's me right now.  How have you been?

Wishcasting Wednesday (and A Visit from Jungle Woman)

This week's Wishcasting Wednesday question is What do you wish to dare?

I wish to dare to create an almost entirely different life.  My husband stays.  The furkids stay.  My best friend stays.  Several online friends stay.  But an extraordinary number of people, activities, and objects are up for contract renegotiation.

I should create a new Witness Protection list.  A cousin and I used to play a "what if" game.  The object was to determine what is so essential to who we are that we couldn't imagine changing it -- not even for witness protection.  For example, I'm not sure I could ever change my hair color -- "redhead" is part of my self-definition.  She decided she would rather take her chances with the bad guys than face a closet full of clothing from a particular well-known store at the mall.

In other news, I planted my patio container garden and a raised bed of strawberries this afternoon.  The container garden includes a Cowhorn pepper, which was one of my grandfather's favorites.  I don't remember those peppers specifically (he died when I was in fourth grade, a bit young for hot peppers), but I do remember the big cluster of five gallon buckets in his backyard.  Each one held a pepper plant of some sort.  He liked his peppers!  He was also the grower of the world's best strawberries.  I don't know what he did to them, but they were soooooo sweet.  One of the best memories of my childhood is sitting at the kitchen table with my grandmother rolling strawberries in a little bowl of sugar and eating them.

The herbs are still on the to do list, and Drew wants a raised bed for watermelons.  We're hoping to get to that this weekend.

Brainstorm Party Blog Post #1

Greetings!  Welcome to my Brainstorm Party!

Big changes are afoot at Day Job.  The what-this-means-for-me of it all is this:  I need to transition to What's Next sooner rather than later.  If the current transition timetable holds, I can squeeze at least three more years out of my current situation.  Pursuing similar work elsewhere is above "flipping burgers" and "being a greeter at Wal-Mart" on my list of possibilities, but not a whole lot above them.

I need to figure out what What's Next looks like.  Ideally, I would like to have a fairly clear vision of my next destination by the end of summer and start working toward it in the fall.

Part of the strategy is to declutter and organize my home AND my office, implement some sort of system of organization (possibly GTD with Ann McGee-Cooper-inspired tweaks), and simplify my current job and other responsibilities as much as possible to allow maximum time and energy for working toward What's Next.

Book and/or website recommendations?
Things to consider?
Transition advice from your experience?
Anything else that might be of help?